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Kingfisher Chronicle VII



Your name is not on the list…Yooz not getting in bitch!


In the weeks that followed the Imperial Edict that  etched into stone the Law regarding the keeping of controlled species and species considered  hazardous to health Kingfisher had seen less and less of his old Goblin General, General Jahmedhi ( Twelve Star General ) and he missed his little companion sorely, Kingfisher knew that Jahmedhi was extremely busy with the super fast expansion of the Dragon Orb Warehouse,  which was soon to be releasing the iOrb and the iSlab (a lightweight ( 17.25kg)  tablet of super strong resin impregnated granite suitable for the Troll that liked to keep in touch with the world) and also the  setting up a chain concept fast food restaurant that would trade under the franchise name of “Kebabitch” .

Kingfisher knew that all these projects were taking up a great deal of his little friends time but still he missed him and so he saw fit to invite General Jahmedhi over to get his opinion on the list of dignitaries that would be invited as guests to the Royal banquet.

Previous to this Kingfisher had attempted to actually compile the list with his Goblin friend but the whole exercise  had been an unmitigated disaster from start to finish, the problem being that once kith and kin had been accounted for unlike Kingfisher who was a naturally gregarious type of character, the diminutive little monster trusted very few people and liked even fewer.

And so the construction of a list was doomed  before it started, in fact it  failed to make triple digits and by that I mean digits as in fingers…a grand total of two people had been passed as suitable for invitation.

Not the best way to get the party rolling and so Kingfisher had placed Talia  in charge of the invitation list and their postage, which meant that tonight was more about getting Jahmedhi over for a few Duvel Ale’s so that Kingfisher could reminisce with the Goblin about the good old days and maybe catch a little bit of gossip from around the Frontier, Jahmedhi was extremely well connected and not much passed under his crooked little nose without him finding out about it.

General Jahmedhi had arrived about an hour previous and had been ushered through to Kingfishers private quarters which meant that the pair of them were on their third Duvel of the evening and loosened up rather nicely and so as we take the narrative over towards where the action is we find Kingfisher and Jahmedhi sitting side by side (like father and extremely malformed and rather threatening looking son) at a heavy wooden desk that was covered with a deep layer of scrolls and half unfurled parchments within one of the side alcoves of the Royal Library.

 A small but ample fire crackled away in a shallow stone hearth. The yellow flames licked across the coals casting out more than enough warmth and light to allow the odd couple at the desk to continue their work into what would if they continued at their current rate of decent  become a very long night indeed.

General Jahmedhi was as always immaculately turned out in a jet black suit of Hugo Boss dress armour with intricate dragon scale trimming at the shoulder with a neatness of smithing that you only ever find in high-end made to measure pieces. The Goblin placed his drinking horn down onto the table and slapped his palm against his forehead as he read down the list of potential invites to the  upcoming banquet, he did not seem at all impressed by what he was reading

“Kingly geezer, mate! Iz it just me or az  yooz  gone totally frikkin’ mental like ?”  The Goblin snorted in utter disbelief  at what he was reading “Yooz gotta pulling me wang mate! If yooz finks dat yooz little shin-dig will be any fink but a carve up yooz iz well off yooz nut mate…dis fing yooz planning az a potential for disaster!!”

“Why…What’s the problem?” replied Kingfisher in a rather fake naive and innocent tone, he lifted a heavy pewter tankard to his lips and took a good swallow all the time looking at his little friend, studying his reaction to his words.

“What iz da frikkin’ probz?” The Goblin waived a page of the invitation list in kingfishers general direction “Az yooz been on dat Witches Piss again geezer? Coz yooz had to have been proper wankered when yooz put dis load of scumbagz on da list!”

“Are you saying I’m a drunk…?” Kingfisher flicked a nugget of scroll wax at the goblin

“Yooz tell me mate …Iz yooz? Iz yooz a piss artist?”

“Not that I am aware of…I like the odd social beer but who doesn’t? ” Kingfisher flicked another nugget of wax at the goblin for no better reason that it amused him and made his little friend even angrier.

The Goblin bared his teeth and snarled“If yooz flicks dat wax at me again …me and yooz will have some beef!”

“Well that’s good because I am getting rather peckish as it turns out” Kingfisher signaled to a distant part of his Library where unseen in the corner stood a very old and very large Troll, the Troll would send a message down to the kitchen and make the head cook aware that it was time for the delivery of something a little more solid than Duvel Ale.

“So if yooz say dat yooz not been on da pop den I fink yooz been sniffing sumfink well shady Kingly geezer! Cos I iz tellin’ yooz sumfink fur nuffink… dis list iz well out ov line!”

“In what way?” Kingfisher sniggered, he knew that the Goblin was about to explode “What exactly is ‘wrong’ with my list?”

“For startz yooz can’t seriously invite him!” The Goblin jabbed his finger at the scroll and punctured a hole clean through the text.


“Why? Yooz asks me why? Why?”

“ Yes, why?

“Kingly…Iz dat a big floppy knob hanging off yooz forehead like?”

“No…I like him”

He might be ok but iz bruvva iz a cunnyflap! He runz wiv dat posse ov arse banditz dat raidz yooz outlandz ! Only last week dem boyz razed five hundred acre ov yooz high yield arable farmland! Dem left it in a proper state…And yooz asks me why?” The Goblin had an air of despondency in his voice as though he was speaking to a complete retard that lacked the intelligence to understand something as simple as this “Dat iz why yooz can’t invite him!  Iz bruvva iz a pig wanker and iz made out ov dogshit and az no concern for environmental issues like!”

“Yes… I totally agree that his brother does indeed satisfy the sexual needs of many swine and is constructed solely from the rear end extrusion of  a dog… But he is okay”

“Aye…Maybe he iz …but yooz can nevva be sure dat he int gonna tell iz fat dog shit pig wanking lump ov a bruvva da complete lay-out ov yooz crib once iz ad iz fill ov yooz hospitality! He iz a security risk!”

“Nah…He wouldn’t” said Kingfisher, he did however have to agree that his little buddy had a completely legitimate point” Nah…he wouldn’t do that”

“Iz yooz sure?”

“Yes…He is trustworthy…He is a good man!”

“Dat iz az maybe Kingly….But iz bruvva iz not and if dat onanistic pig aboozin muvva ov a bruvva ov iz getz iz handz on yooz planz den itz a long term stay in da hospitalitiz forruz all innit…He will Frik uz all over Kingly”

“He won’t” Kingfisher made a mental note to remove him from the list

“And look at dis one!” Once again the goblin stabbed a hole in the text with his finger nail

“Which one?” asked Kingfisher

Him!” five more holes appeared in the scroll as the Goblins finger thrust forward in a frenzy of disapproval “Yooz cannot be serious man…Iz a frikkin’ katooie…”

“A what?” Kingfisher looked utterly non-plussed

“Iz a ka-too-wie…” repeated the goblin very slowly so the intrinsic power of the word had time to seep into kingfishers consciousness and register the appropriate measure of disapproval that Jahmedhi thought fitting to the situation.

“What the hell is a Katooie?”

The goblin threw his hands up in the air “What iz up wiv yooz man…Iz yooz a bit fick?…KA…TOO….WEE”

“There is nothing up with me…I just have no idea what you are blathering on about!”

“Dunt yooz speak no frikkin’ Thailanese? Iz got a bloody big gaping hoy!”

“A what?”

“A hoy!!…A clam!” jahmedhi made a clapping gesture with his hands (claws)


“Iz a frikkin girly boy!! He murdered iz frikkin’ knob and cut off iz doobriz  and den had a big daft fanny stitched in itz place !” The Goblin made several more elaborate hand gestures towards the area of his groin “Chopped iz little man off…da evil bastard!”

“Look it’s a modern world…He must have felt trapped in the wrong body” Kingfisher offered half heartedly “Live and let live?”

“Nah, I int buying dat mate…Heez a cock killer!” snarled the goblin before adding “Anywayz which bogz would he go to if he needz a slash or even worse a sk’dar ( goblin for a number two) ?”

“The girls!” snapped Kingfisher “Anyone else you don’t approve of then?”

” well I hope it knowz how to wipe properly”sneered the goblin

” Eh? Knows how to wipe properly?”

” Aye..From Front to da back no cack in da crack but back to da front yooz getz cack in yooz cu…”

Kingfisher preempted the rest of the poem and interjected  ”front bum”

“Him…” another fingernail through the text marked the general spot of disapproval “Yooz not  inviting him iz yooz?” the Goblin hissed manically “I frikkin’ hate dis one…Eez  a complete  batty whakka…”


“ It woz dis wanker dat got some ov mi bruvvaz killed when I woz a mere Colonel in dat Elite Republican Guard ov da Vlaanderen Clan…By da time he woz dun wiv uz…”

“I know, he killed all he could find” Kingfisher mentally scrapped him as well

“Dint even leave t enuf ov uz old  Elites to guard a frikkin’ latrine!”

“But we cannot hold onto old grievances for ever”

“Yooz might not be able to mate but look at deez fingaz” The General flashed his talons “Deez fingz hold onto everyfink…Nevva slip!”

“Ok, scratch him…”

“Scratch him? I would like to tear his kidneys out and wear dem on me cock ring az a self lubricating war trophy!”

Kingfisher looked at his General “His kidney’s?…On your cock ring?” he shook his head ever so slightly “Never mind…Lets continue”

Once again the goblin returned to his deliberations, he did not however stay on them for long before he singled out another name for scrutiny “Yooz gotz to av been well post coital when yooz added dis one…Had yooz just finished banging that ginger giant ov a room maid yooz got when yooz put dis one in? Dis bloke’s nephewz bin trying to get info on Gronks Garden Centre for frikkin’ yearz…He finks it iz all an elaborate cover for Gronk real line ov work…”

“Real line of work?” the alarm bells began to ring inside Kingfisher head, he knew exactly what the Goblin was talking about but had no idea that the cover could potentially have been blown

“Training dem elite Troll soljaz like…”

“But he does…”

“Aye…but we dunt want no frikkin’ nozey buggaz knowing dat he duz…duz we? Gronk growz dem expensive bushez …and datz it…nuffink else!”

“Of course Gronk’s Bonsai business has to stay under the radar”

“What iz a radar?” asked the goblin genuinely intrigued, he had heard this comment numerous times and finally thought it fitting to ask.

“To be honest I have no idea what a radar is or why we need to stay under it…it’s an old saying and I haven’t got a clue what it means or where it came from” replied Kingfisher “Anyway, Gronks cover is well sorted. He sells to almost everyone on that list anyway”

“Aye…Datz da troof …But sum ov dem gets more dan a few little treez and a workin’ knowledge ov dem advanced topiary an re-pottin’ tekneekz like innit…An if dem  dat dunt get dat extra bit ov knowledge findz out dat Gronk iz dealing to dem from da bottom ov a marked deck den we is on a dodgy flop and could  be all in on a long trip down da frikkin’ river!”

Kingfisher smiled “ You’ve been watching Poker on the orbs again haven’t you?

“Wot ov it?” Sneered the Goblin “Why yooz ask?”

“There was a lot of meaningless poker analogy shoe-horned in to that last statement”

“Got a problem wiv dat?”

“No…Not at all”

“Good…Shall weez carry on den?”

“Yes…But you are just being a bit too paranoid” Kingfisher scowled, they had been at this list on and off for a couple hours and still they were squabbling over the details.

“Yooz used to pay meez to be paranoid geezer…Dat iz what I duz…I lookz for the downside ov fingz”

“I know…and you do it magnificently!”

Jahmedhi stabs his finger at the parchment again “Look at dis one ‘ere…Dis one ‘ere sent sum spies at yooz just last week…and iz cuzzin woz da one leading dem two cohorts ov religious types straight into dem longbowz ov yooz…it woz a proper blood baff…yooz fink heez not in da revenge trade?”

“Fair point but it was a bloody stupid thing to do on his part..It is common knowledge that you don’t send cold callers to the doors of Dvorganna Fjall with nothing but a swag bag, a short sword and a bible in hand”

” And yooz cannot even fink about inviting dat lot at da bottom of da scroll, dem iz all mummy cuzzinz and daddy bruvvaz”

“No? They are all related?”

“Incestuous bastards ….Aye dem iz all related interbred mongrels”

“Well I never knew that…” Kingfisher looked truly shocked at the revelation “But they are in Clans that hate each other!”

“Aye but bloodz alwayz gonna be fikka dan water innit…Datz my opinion anywayz”

“But still…She is ok for an invite surely?” Kingfisher indicated towards a well know Imperial socialite

The Goblin General rolled off of his seat and hit the floor laughing hysterically “She iz da biggest ho-bag in all da continent…Sheez seen more flippin’ dongz up close an personal dan dem cock docs at da chuffin’ siff clinic mate!Sheez zad more prickz dan a second hand dartboard…Az yooz nevva wondered why sheez nevva getz raided…Pillow talk mate…Sheez sellz secretz….”

“What do you mean?….More pricks than a…” Kingfishers colour faded

“Aww mate, tellz me yooz haven’t…Pleez tellz me yooz not dipped yooz wick in dat dutty bucket minjed slapper…Cos if yooz az yooz betta get to dat clinic for a scrapin’ out mate…Shiz well clapped up!”

“No way!”

“Way mate…I dint know dat I had got donkey frush when I dicked it last week did I?…So I iz tellin’ yooz now mate if yooz been sloppy seconds  an yooz got ennyfink green drippin’ out yooz little blue-haired manbeast yooz betta get him sorted out… Or yooz gonna looz a few inchaz off it!”

Kingfisher grabbed for his mobile orb and quickly stroked its surface “Hi…Yeah…It’s Kingfisher…Tomorrow…Well that’s the thing…That’s what I am Orbing you for…I am afraid so…yeah…Tuesday…Sorry no can do…Next week…Sorry I am having my braids done…I will phone you…Yeah… Promise…Yeah …You too…Bye” kingfisher raised his eyebrows and blew through his nose “Close shave that!”

“Not as close az da shave yooz would have needed to get rid ov da crustacean infestation yooz would av picked up if yooz had knobbed da mucky butta faced bint”

“Butta faced?”

“Aye…Everyfink is rancid and diseased butta face” Jahmedhi giggled to himself “Anywayz lets get back to da job in hand…yooz cannot invite him…Hiz sister-in-lawz bruvva woz caught red handed in da grounds not more dan a week ago…Heez sayz it woz jus’ for da layout ov yooz mushroom plantations…I sez if yooz believes dat big fat crock of maggoty shit den yooz bin munching on too many of dem shroomz!”

“Fair point I suppose…”

“And dis dutty little bassad!” another hole appears “Iz family iz so full of black sheep dat dem could eezily supply enuf  wool to makes dem nice black jumperz dat dem ninja types likes to be wearing all da time ”

“Yeah but I like him and she is really cool…”

“ Yooz dunt wanna be messing wiv dem lot” The Goblin leant in a little closer and lowered his tone into a hushed whisper, even though their was no other person in earshot “Nobody even knows da full extent of dem family ties …Most ov dem are…Speshal… Hidden away…Never to be seen”

“What do you mean…Hidden?”

“I meanz wot I sayz…Hidden…Secret…Not living at normal addresses!”

“Oh, right…Less said the better about that lot then!”

“Troof dat mate…Less said da better all round…Yooz dunt want none ov dem knowing about da family joolz an all dat stuff.  Az we Goblerz sez…Dem dat get sent away to be hidden at Special Addresses needz a lot ov gold to pay dem bills…And dem will take what gold dem can find!”

Kingfisher covered his face in his hands; he was mentally exhausted and couldn’t take much more “So how many have we got on the list so far then?”

“Including yooz and meez?” asked the Goblin in a cheerful tone of voice

“Of course…The Chef needs to know”

The Goblin looked down at his scroll and methodically totalled up the numbers (This took him several minutes to do)

“Well?” Kingfisher asked as he was swiftly losing what little of his patience remained “How many?”


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