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Kingfisher Chronicle IV




The Imperial edict is enforced



Kingfisher turned and looked at the two people he trusted most in the whole world, he needed help and he needed it fast, his guts were twisting up in knots and the asprintia tonic he had taken from the Wizard Necrototh was swiftly losing potency. The morning after the night before was fast turning into a waking nightmare in which he wished he could simply rewind the clock and get himself back into bed; he was falling into a spiral and needed to keep hold of reality for fear of losing himself and doing something really stupid. Something along the lines of killing the Auditor, sending his salted head back to the Emperor in a fine teak box and unilaterally declaring war upon the Empire.

He found his anchor in Sh’Vorn, she was a picture of serenity, Talia however was no use to him at all she seemed otherwise engaged.

Unbeknownst to kingfisher she was still struggling with her wayward calf skin thong which it seemed was trying its best to cut her in half.

“Talia!” Kingfisher snapped, his patience now as frayed as Talia’s usually immaculately kept downstairs region.

“Yes Kai?” She scowled as she attempted to dig out the offending item with the crook of her index finger.

“Do you have a problem?”

“Yes Kai” Her tongue was now out “It’s these damned infernal knickers I have on, they are cutting me in half!”

“Are you a soldier?”

“Yes Kai” Her eyes now clenched tightly shut.

“Then be a soldier and go commando!”

“Yes Kai!” She ran behind the book case at the opposite end of the room and began to disrobe. Soon the offending item was to be found filed between two great tomes that documented the internecine conflicts of the Brugazzi Empire between the years 1256 and 1274 ( It has been said that this was in fact the most boring conflict of all time…Only 2 people were known to have been killed and they fell victim to a rather shoddily maintained Balista that misfired a boulder that was in fact aimed at the local cricket pavilion. After this catastrophic incident the warring sides were so upset that they put away their differences which basically revolved around what “was” and what “was not” acceptable refreshment for a cricket tea)

Talia’s smile returned as she swiftly made her way back to the meeting, she could now concentrate on the task at hand and assist her King in anyway possible. She had learned an important lesson in life and one she would never forget. Ones “difference” should never be compromised when it comes to comfort and should always maintain its structural integrity, even if that does mean wearing sensible pants on occasion.

Kingfisher welcomed his advisor back to the fore and began to get dressed quickly, barking out orders as he did.

Everything must be mentally organised before they welcome their uninvited and very much unwelcome Imperial guest to the Fjall.

Very quickly Kingfisher slipped into an immaculately hammered suit of Hugo Boss lightweight day armour ( it has to be said that the blacksmiths at Hugo Boss can do amazing things with a lump of metal and a big hammer) before he tied his hair back into a pony tail of what looked to be pale blue pit vipers.

He could have almost passed as Regal.


Making their way down towards the gatehouse everyone continued to talk shop, the consequence of losing such specialised troops as the Goblins and Trolls was immense. The “Orcs” Kingfisher could do without, for in all honesty Kingfisher had never really liked them that much, they were cowardly in the face of the enemy and could never be trusted to follow orders and so he only kept a bare minimum at any one time pretty much for the fear factor that they generated with the enemy but the Goblins and Trolls were totally different  these were vital to his military machine.

Kingfisher stopped at the heavy wooden door to the gatehouse, for some bizarre reason he contemplated knocking on it but then remembered that this was his door.

His Gatehouse .

His Castle.

And his Kingdom.

This Imperial Auditor would simply have to take him as he finds him, Kingfisher pushed open the door to face a very tall, very thin, pasty faced man wearing what looked to be a very expensive gunmetal grey suit of ultra light armour that was little more than a flimsy  breast plate decorated with thin Mithril pin stripes over pale grey corduroy padding .

It would offer almost no protection to a strike from a two handed war axe, a  concept which had a certain appeal that amused the blue haired monarch no end.

The Auditor was holding a satchel and a clipboard, on the end of his rather long and extremely thin nose perched two discs of pale blue glass held together with thin golden wire.

Quite odd. Kingfisher had no idea what they were for or what purpose they may serve excepting making the whole world seem a little off colour, which couldn’t be a good thing.

“Ah, there you are. Finally we meet, you are the person known as Kai Ang V’Shoor…Kingfisher or King Fisher, Dragon Clan member and current Monarch to the area known within the Ardarkian Empire as Dvorganna Fjall” The man in grey said all this without even lifting his gaze from his clipboard.

“That’s me alright and who are you?” Kingfisher replied, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end, he had taken an instant dislike to the Auditor.

“My full name is Count Phillip Lauther Maximillian-Jackson of Bruxembourg. I am the Imperial Auditor of Compliance” He sniffed “I do not use the title of Count on a daily basis as I find it cluttersome and officious therefore you can either call me Sir or Mr. Auditor, I don’t mind either”

“Auditor of Imperial Compliance…Is this fucker having a laugh? ” Kingfisher thought to himself as he stepped over to shake the Auditors hand which when held within the iron fist of the seven foot tall blue haired dragon riding King of the Dwarves looked to be that of a terminally sick child in comparative composition “Mr. Audi T4 nice to meet you” Boomed Kingfisher “Talia, Sh’Vorn this is Mr. Audi T4?” He winked at Talia

“Auditor” Replied Lauther

Kingfisher was on a roll “Did your Father pick the name? Was you Sired on the back saddle of his flash ride, is that where he squirted you into your mothers belly? I can see how it would impress a girl, I myself have never had an Audi”

The Auditor looked visibly stunned into confusion “Pardon?” Sniffed the completely perplexed Auditor ” What on Earth are you going on about?”

“As I said, I have never had an Audi, I don’t like those Germanic bred Dragons, plus with a dick the size of mine I never really needed to rely on an expensive set of shiny red  belly scales to get a girls snatch wet! Not that there is anything wrong with the Audi per se but they are a bit too “show pony” for my tastes and as they say in Which Dragon monthly  ”There is always going to be trouble with the Teutonic’s”

“What on earth are you going on about?”

“Audi T4 Dragons of course! They look the part and they say they are safe and extremely efficient but what’s the point in spending good money on a safe and efficient Dragon?”

“What did you say?” asked Lauther

“What is the point in a having a safe and efficient Dragon!? I will tell you what the point is, there is none! Dragons don’t need extra efficiency they need whoomph, they need maximum hose power!!”


“That’s right Phillip; I can call you Phil can’t I? Cheers! Lets get one thing straight Pip, all Dragons need is extra horsepower mate, they do not need efficiency…And… That is why we rear our own horses…My dragons are never short of high quality horse meat” Kingfisher was now blathering on in an attempt to annoy the Auditor

Talia smirked; this is what her King does best. Kingfisher talks bollocks better than anyone she has ever met. In fact if the entire known world were to ever get together for a bollocks talking tournament he would surely come away with the gold medal.

The Auditor looked on uncomprehendingly as kingfisher baited him. He seemed to be only interested in his clip board and the paper secured thereon. The prattling of these barbaric buffoons that ran these frontier Kingdoms wouldn’t stop him in his undertakings, they did not comprehend the importance of such things, they did not understand that his sole existence in life was to make them better people.

People fit for purpose and that purpose was to exist in a brave new world, a world that would be shaped by his class of people…The Elite class…And these tribal breeds would like it or they would be taught to like it whether they enjoyed the lesson or not!

Kingfisher pushed his thumbs into his belt straps his quizzical black eyes fixed upon the Auditor “So, what is it exactly that you will be auditing today then Pip?”

“I have a title, please use it!” The Auditor tapped his quill upon the top of his clipboard…Still he did not look up to meet the intensifying gaze of the increasingly incensed king.

“And I have a title too and I would prefer it if “YOU” would use it as well!” Kingfisher exploded, spittle flying from the corners of his mouth, his eyes now a vibrant black with no trace of  white showing “So if you don’t mind you wretched little cunt why don’t you just get on with what you are doing and get out of MY Kingdom as fast as fucking possible before I split you like fucking kindling!”

Sh’Vorn touched her Kings arm; she could feel the blood pulsing beneath his skin. This simple action seemed to calm him just enough to prevent him from using his great war to  remove the offending persons head in one fell swoop of wood and iron.

The Auditor was shocked into silence; he had never been addressed in such an impolite and disrespectful manner. The audacity of the outburst was beyond the realms of civilised behavior. To speak against an Imperial Auditor in such a way was tantamount to Imperial Treason! Who does this blue haired giant think he is? The Auditor shook his head in disbelief. His counterparts that dealt with this type of behavior at the New Office of Imperial Departments of External Auditing rather than those at The old office which was known as the Chartered Regional Assayers and Pollsters Forum Of Registrars and Bursars Regional And International Notaries Society would be made aware of this blue haired animals code of behavior and sanctions placed as soon as possible!

“Whatever you need to do, get it done. You have one hour!” Kingfisher looked over to Talia “Bring me Generals Gronk and Jahmedhi, as soon as you can please”


Talia left the room and headed directly to the sprawling Goblin Township on the far side of the city, she hoped that Gronk and Jahmedhi were at home in their Joint Task Force Headquarters and wouldn’t take too much finding because the Village tended to be a little bit raucous even at this early hour of the day.

Talia knew that Goblins were usually involved in something that was either illegal or bordering on the illegal and could generally be relied on to supply whatever you needed irrespective of whether or not you realised you needed the object or not at any given time of day. This attention to detail and acute business acumen meant that when they were not actively out and about proactively researching future sales items (stealing stuff) they generally remained close to their burrows just in case they missed an opportunity to supply something they had stolen earlier at a healthy profit.

Talia therefore  was quite confident that Jahmedhi would be at home as some rather expensive textiles and no small amount of cheese had disappeared from the holds of several ships that were art of a visiting merchant fleet that had been moored up in the harbour making repairs and taking on fresh food and water not three days previous.

No sign of  cloth nor cheese had been seen as of yet…

Talia smiled to herself as she remembered a time when she purchased a case of McLeod Grenades from Jahmedhi and Gronk, at a time when grenades were as rare as hens teeth. These grenades had been stolen to order at great risk from the armoury of a distant Kingdom when the Fjall and all the other Frontier Kingdoms had fallen under another ill thought out Imperial ruling that forbade the use of such weapons on moral grounds.

No grenades, no gunpowder, no mortars and no anti personnel booby-traps meant that every kingdom for a thousand miles purchased and stockpiled whatever they could get their hands on. Grenades sold like hot cakes and very son none were left in stock, anywhere.

One simple idea by an Imperial Priest named Claymore McLeod poured directly into the ear of the Emperor made millionaires of several well known arms dealers overnight.

The arms dealers in question all seemed to be part of the reverend MacLeod’s extended family, was it a moral objection or financial insider trading? You decide .

Anyway, the corruption of the Imperial State is irrelevant at this point,  Gronk knew that Talia desperately wanted to treat her Dragon to something special for his birthday (Dragons love to eat grenades…Don’t ask me why…I think they find them spicy) and supplied Talia with a whole case for a price that would have barely covered the carriage costs.

Unfortunately Gronk had insisted on showing Talia how they worked and somehow or other managed to ignite the fuse on one of the grenades, not wanting to seem a big sissy by throwing it and maybe injuring somebody nearby he simply held it very tightly to his midriff. He spent a whole week in the regenerative mud baths down at the Spa after that little incident.

When Talia visited him, he apologised for wasting such a tasty treat that was supposed to have been destined for her Dragon, Talia thought Gronk was ever so sweet.

General Jahmedhi however was far from sweet, he was a different beast altogether, all he ever wanted from Talia (and Sh’Vorn for that matter) was what he called “Sweet lovin’ from dem lanky yoomanz” General Jahmedhi has an utterly hopeless sex addiction problem, he only has one objective in life other than wild blood thirsty slaughter and wanton butchery and that is what he calls “Riding dem bichaz buff’lo stylie”

It is rumoured that he has had several litters of Gobbets (children) to several wife-lets as well as countless litters to his many official wives (it has been said that not all of the wife-lets are Goblins either. There is a rumour that he sired a litter of Gobbets with an evil  Black Wood Nymph called Jenny Pickwillow. Producing a litter of offspring that are reputedly so violently insane that they cannot be allowed their freedom so they are held in a dungeon so deep as to be warmed by the molten core of the earth itself.

And if that isn’t shocking enough there is also talk of a litter of Gobbets he had with a stray cat called Trixi Belle that adopted his headquarters as her new home. It is said that she got lazy and forgot to pay the rent one week (Three rats or six mice and four Wood Doves) so he took it out of her “in kind”  forcing her into doing it “Catty fashion” as payment.

It is said however that unlike the half Wood Nymph litter these half Goblin half  cat creatures have supposedly prospered in life and are making a small fortune working as freelance rat catchers for the Dvorganna Fjall Sewerage and Refuse Department)

But that is as they say a different story for a different day.


The Auditor turned over the leading page of his survey with an elaborate and practiced flick. The survey that was attached to the Auditors precious clipboard obviously held great importance in the Ivory Towers of the Empire and so he still did not look up to meet the gaze of the the King, he simply continued with his duties to the Emperor and the enforcement of the Imperial Edicts that he, in his wisdom had laid out for all lesser men to follow “Now tell me, how many restricted creatures are you currently in possession of, exactly, not roughly?”

“Restricted creatures?” Kingfisher again feigned indignant ignorance “The only creature that is going to be restricted in my kingdom is you, you officious little shite.You will be restricted when I restrict your windpipe with my knee”

Sh’Vorn decided to diffuse the situation and passed the Auditor a small bundle of scrolls “We are currently in possession of some eighty five thousand of what you refer to as “restricted creatures” but have in the past been host to many more and moreover we of Dvorganna Fjall do not like or use the term restricted creatures we find it to be extremely specist. In these lands we refer to them as Goblins, Orcs or Trolls, for that is quite simply, what they are” Sh’Vorn smiled, not her usual nice smile though this one was in fact quite chilling.

“And have you instigated the new pro-active re-employment protocols for the analogous evolved pseudo humanoids?” asked the Auditor as he deftly flicked his quill over the surface of his parchments ticking boxes and making insightful notes

“The creatures you speak of are currently employed as best their natural attributes suit them”

“Best? Best according to who? According to you? Are you an expert on these matters? Do you have a certification of further learning from the Oxbridge Universities? Let those that are qualified make comment and judgments on such matters, please your own ill-informed opinions at the door” Droned the Auditor “They are not helpful”

“Lord be, you really are a proper tool aren’t you” Sneered kingfisher

Sh’Vorn simply looked through the Auditor impassively, she would have her time with him and then he would understand the true meaning of further learning.

“The positive discrimination acts of 1325 state that a certain percentage of all restricted creatures or analogous evolved pseudo humanoids if you prefer need to be re-employed in all key areas, irrelevant of age, education, sex, sexual orientation or species….Are you aware of this?”

“So you think that a Troll could be trusted to work as an Imperial Auditor just like yourself” asked Sh’Vorn

“Obviously not immediately, there would be a natural settling of talents but in the long term, why not?  With the correct application of education, I am sure that a Troll will eventually work within the New Office of Imperial Departments of External Auditing, in some measure or other…within say fifty or so years”

“I am far more confident of a Trolls skill level, in fact with Gronks sharp wit and natural abilities I am quite sure that he could be running the whole venture within the month and doing a better job of it than you” Kingfisher ran his thumb down the edge of his axe blade. He did hope that he was going to need it.

Talia knocked once and re-entered the room; with her were Generals Jahmedhi and Gronk.

The Auditor was shocked when he saw General Jahmedhi, he was very small, even for a Goblin, however as he rarely got this close to the creatures in question he couldn’t be sure of what was and was not within normal parameters for such a object. The thing looked to be barley sentient and would struggle to be four feet in height, what on earth could it be that this King Fisher chap saw in it?

Whereas Gronk resembled a coppiced tree, the advantages of such  beasts of burden as this were obvious even to the untrained eye. Farm working would be the most ideal of occupations for such a cart horse.

General Jahmedhi held out his thin but wiry little arm which was tipped with a hand that was more like a collection of razors blades than four fingers and a thumb to shake Kingfisher by the finger. His brown leathery skin was pulled tight across a thousand little muscles, each one toned to perfection and fit for only two purposes, to either make love or create carnage.

Unfortunately for his prospective lovers and sworn enemies alike one sometimes overlapped the other, when he goes into battle with the sole objective of “fucking something up” he is generally already wearing a condom to save time with the details.

Jahmedhi’s  smile was a collection of teeth more akin to what a small to medium sized nurse shark would have, rather than something even remotely human would ever require.

Jahmedhi turned and looked over his shoulder at the Auditor, held his gaze for a second then sucked his teeth before continuing to address his King “Eezy bro…I see dat we got sum beef wiv dis knobhead in da flash suit”

Kingfisher smiled down at his mini warrior “Knobhead in a suit? You truly have a way with words that cuts to the bone my dear little Jahmedhi, in fact that is the best description that anyone could make of our Imperial friend here. Beef you say? Yes, it seems that we do indeed have some beef with the ‘knobhead in the suit’. He is here to inform us that the Emperor in all his wisdom has retired you and Gronk and all your kin from active millitary duty within both the regular and special forces of Dvorganna Fjall” Kingfisher moved over to Gronk as he could see that he was more than a little upset and he didn’t like to see his good friend hurting inside. “Cheer up Gronk, It will all be alright mate…You deserve a rest anyway…Early retirement and all that”

Gronk Looked at Kingfisher mournfully, his deep-set eyes welling up with tears “I dunt want to go on leave, I likes my job…Why do I have to retire?” His voice deep and groaning like a large tree set against a heavy wind. A large greenish brown dollop of snot threatened to drip from the tip of his nose but was pulled back with every sniff like a large mucus yo-yo.

Jahmedhi was fascinated by the rising and falling of the snot ball and followed it with his beady little eyes like a kitten follows a piece of string. Finally the torment was too much for him and he launched out a ludicrously long tongue that caught the ball of mucus on the drop and before anyone actually realised what he had done the whole gluey ball of misery had been swallowed up in one swift gulp. Tasty it was too.

 The Auditor stepped into the conversation, his eyes still fixed upon the foul little creature that had just a moment ago swallowed what must have been a quarter pound of nasal mucus (And looked to have savoured every ounce of it ) “Unfortunately my dear fellows what you want is irrelevant as it is the opinion of the respected ethics think-tank ,Fairness and Unity for all Creatures in our Kingdoms Outreaching Friends Forum that you have been exploited to the point where you actually have no idea what is good nor bad for you anymore!” The Auditor passed the Gronk a leaflet from the Advisory Re-training Social Enterprise Board AND Interdepartmental Teaching Subdivision of the previously mentioned forum.

 He watched dumbfounded as the monstrous beast thanked him for the gift then simply shoved it in his pocket commenting that it was “Good wiping paper!”

Kingfisher chortled to himself; it seems Gronk’s famous “Farmer’s” or farmer Giles to give them their full title (Hemorrhoids) must  still be playing him up. Gronk had taken a musket ball in the buttocks several years previous (A bull’s eye shot as well) and no matter how much time he spends in the regeneration spa his delicate problem (As he calls it) refuses to completely heal up.

The Troll rounded on the Auditor, a flame of anger flickering in his deep set eyes “Kingfisher is good man…He pays gold for me to fight…His Golden Runes buy Regenerate Spa for the boys!” Gronk pointed a finger that was as thick as a fence post at the Auditor “We Trolls get hurt and we die…We come back…Good as new…Well, nearly as good as new…Gronk have musket ball up his bum that won’t come out! ”

“That is all well and good my dear Troll but it only goes to prove our Emperors greatest fears! In fact what the Health and Safety implications of what you have just said. We may even have to pursue a case against Kingfisher for gross neglect as well as exploitation. There really is no need to “die at work” in this day and age. Kingfisher may even end up serving a custodial sentence at the Imperial Prison on the weight of your evidence alone. Now that would be a fine achievement!”

“Me Troll…Me fight…Me die! TWENTY SEVEN TIMES ME DIE! But me always come back…Good as new!…Regenerate Spa!”

The Auditor busily jotted notes down onto his pad, this was the first time today that he had even looked remotely interested in anything that anyone had taken the time to say. The thought of bringing a case of criminal negligence and corporate manslaughter against a serving monarch gave him what could only be described as feelings of a sexual nature. If he could actually get this stupid under evolved creature to give evidence it would without a doubt secure a fantasy result, in fact it would be the pinnacle of his career to date!

General Jahmedhi tapped him on the knee “Duz yooz have regenerate spa bro?” The little Goblin was at the perfect height to have seen some small and subtle movement in the nether regions of the Auditor and unlike Gronk, he had the IQ to work out what had given this odious nanny state meddler a bit of a bit of a touch on.

The auditor stopped what he was doing and looked down “No…I do not” he sniffed “I don’t have need of such a thing”

“Well bro take a little advice from an interested party and stop wiv da case for neglect and exploitation like ‘cos unlike da big man in da corner yooz little man wunt be doing no growing back if yooz gets what I mean innit”

“ pardon?”

Jahmedhi opened up his mouth wide and tapped his teeth with a long pointy nail, he then tapped The Auditors cod piece just to ensure that there was no mistaking his intentions “Yooz int gonna get dat ickle dangly fing to regenerate itself  if deez fings latch on ya!” General Jahmedhi pointed at the Auditors groin.

The Auditors colour drained away “Are you threatening me you nasty little man?”

“Man now iz it? Not a moment ago I wuz nuffink more dan some analogous evolved humanoid dat iz being exploited by da “man”…Make yooz mind up bro! Iz I a man…Or Iz I not a man…Yooz dunt even know wot we Goblinz are! But we knowz what yooz iz!”

“And what is that you foul and wretched little creature?”Snapped the grey suited bureaucrat

“Yooz iz a proper little toss bag and yooz likes meddling in fings dat dunt concern yooz cos yooz finks dat yooz is better dan yooz actually iz! So listen up now yooz over opinionated twat…” Jahmedhi stretched himself up as tall as he could get and spoke in a cut glass accent quite unlike his usual mix of Goblin Patois and Orcish beat lingo   “I will make my next point very simple for you to understand, drop the whole idea of pursuing a case for corporate  manslaughter and criminal neglect or I am going to bite your pathetic little cock off and watch you bleed to death, right here, right now, do I make myself perfectly clear !”

The Auditor took a step backward but was prevented from putting any further distance between himself and the teeth that would emasculate him by the massive frame of the Troll.

Kingfisher laughed out loud at what his little general had just said “He means it as well…That is what they do in battle…Bite and bleed…Hit and run…The enemy usually flees in panic as their members are spat back at them…But I don’t think it will be necessary today!”

The Auditor looked up; he could see the giant snot filled snout of the Troll straight over his head…the Troll was looking directly down at him. The Auditor could feel the heat of its breath on the back of his neck.

“Gronk not bite…Gronk Smush…GRONK TEAR YOU INTO PIECES!” The Troll pummeled his clenched fist into a cupped hand and bellowed… “GRONK RIPS EVERYONES FROATS OWT AND PLAY DEM LIKE A FLUTE!…GRONK CLUB FINGS TILL THEM IS AS FLAT AND DEAD AS A FING DAT IS FLAT AND DEAD!!!” Gronk bellowed and the noise was truly deafening “I WILL SMUSH YOU UP!!” He stamped his foot and cracked the stone slab underfoot

Everyone stopped what they were doing, saying or thinking and looked at Gronk with more than a good splash (Nearly a bucket actually) of fear.

“Don’t bottle it up big fella! Let it all out!” Kingfisher laughed

“Animals!” squawked the Auditor, urine was running from out of the bottom of his extremely well tailored greaves and pooling around his feet “Quite disgraceful…You have no morals or manners, you are beneath my contempt! We try to improve your lives and bring evolution into the world and this is all the thanks we receive for our troubles! This is what we are faced with!” He ripped a sheet of parchment from his clip board and flung it at kingfisher before spinning on one heel and making for a fast exit.

Talia stepped aside from the door opening it as she did so “ Bye-bye….Missing you already!”


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