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Lee Swords “August Fishing Blog”… part two

This week I found out that I was the proud owner of two new kidney stones, one a little larger than the other 6mm and 2mm, my old stone was around the 9 mm marks so both of these bad boys have a little growing to do yet before they reach record breaking proportions, I suppose that’s one good thing with being a northern specimen angler with kidney stones, if I had been living in Oxford these little bastards may well be around the 15mm size by now and threatening to spit me in two on their migration out!

Yep, I have been lucky I suppose. The other good thing is that my Specialist/Consultant is a very attractive young lady with a  rather fetching figure, I just hope she doesn’t spoil it all by wanting  to stuff a camera down my japs-eye every verse end because that whole concept is wrong!

All I will say to anyone that is of a mind to listen is take on plenty of fluids and by that I don’t mean Redbull and vodka I mean water, water is required to flush the system and dilute our waste because if all we drink is electrolyte laden energy drinks we will end up like the crops in the film Idiocracy!

” Electrolytes are not what the kidneys needs”

I strongly suggest that everyone watch the film Idiocracy as that is the foundation for much of my own politics, therefore an understanding of what I fear for the future of our world would give context to much of what I say from time to time. I truly believe we are heading towards our doom in the style of Idiocracy at a rate of knots that is unprecedented.

Anyway lets save the politics for later…

Let’s talk fishing!

Ron ClayThis week my old mate Ron Clay has bagged himself a very nice carp of just under 30lb in weight, I won’t go into it to much because he is writing up an account of it himself which will be published on the site as a guest article.

 all I will say to those that have doubted him and made fun of his eccentricities is this ” If I am fit enough and still possess bollocks big enough to be doing solo overnight sessions when I am getting on for 70 then I will be more than happy”

The man is a fishing machine!

So to all those out there in cyber-world who can only dream of catching such a fish for want of dropping dead through a combination of exhaustion and hysterical vapors…Stick that one up your arse!

Deadly parasite carried in snails is a threat to dogs

Dirty infested gastropods!

As well as being a pest for gardeners, bait for chub fishermen and food for the gastronomically adventurous, snails it seems can also spread a parasite called Angiostrongylus vasorum.

This type of lungworm is a particular threat to dogs, which can become infected by accidentally eating slugs or snails which they come across in the garden or on dog toys.

I don’t like parasites, I never have done and I never will do. A lung worm

Parasites should always be eradicated at the earliest possible  convenience and i don’t care how it is done either..bullet, noose, poison gas…succineaputris parasite

I am not bothered its all good to me. dangerous parasite

although I do on occasion feel pity for these pathetic little creatures in that their lives are so empty of joy and love that they feel compelled to exist as little more than a festering miasma of putrescence and corruption, using the very body of their host as a breeding ground for misery and pain.

Imagine the final agonising moments of the dog that inadvertently ate the lung-worm infested snail, unaware that the tiny little snail was host to thousands of parasites that had run wild and free within its now wrecked body…the dog must have been really pissed off with itself especially as there was a nice big bag of dog biscuits waiting for it indoors.

It just goes to show that one must always be wary of slimy little bastards that don’t do a lot, they may seem harmless but they are not.

They infest and proliferate before destroying the host and moving on, parasites cannot create anything excepting little copies of themselves, they have no redeeming features and serve the host no purpose whatsoever.

I recommend a hefty dose of  Bob Martins worming tablets!!

Anyway Moving on…



Cardinal Keith O’Brien ‘blocked church sex abuse report’

As everyone knows I am  vehement  in my disapproval and opposition to most forms of Islam but I will not turn a blind eye to the disgraceful behavior of the Catholic Church an their cover up of child molestation and abuse.

Writing to the Tablet, Emeritus Archbishop of Glasgow Mario Conti said Cardinal O’Brien, who has himself admitted sexual misconduct with other priests, prevented an investigation into sexual impropriety.

Well, all I can say is “What a wanker”

The Church seems to attract a certain type of dysfunctional character that has a propensity for perversion and sin and it cannot be allowed to continue for want of causing a stink.

The Church is full of people  that are , if you are of a mind to believe in such things on a one way ticket to Hell…a bit like the BBC really.

Which leads me onto….

The Phantom!!

The bosses at coronation Street decided to sack a 25 year old bloke for acting like a twat and posting a video of himself on the internet singing a shit song that contained references to rape…So just because he posted a song that contained lyrics that are distasteful he gets the sack?


Westwood has been playing shit like that on Radio 1 for years and everyone at the Beeb though he was cutting edge…so is ITV that might mightier when it comes to taking the moral high-ground?

Is it fook!


This idiot who called himself the Phantom gets the sack unlike Bill Roach the 80 year old dickhead that got away with saying that “sex abuse victims are paying the price for sins they committed in previous live”s, for fook sake if ever there was a reason to sack a person for something they said, this is the man but no, Billy Boy just got a slap on the wrists. It should then come as no surprise that a person with such a disgraceful view on life is now awaiting trial on charges of a sexual nature with underage girls…but has he been sacked?

Has he fuck!

And then we have Michael Le Vell who is awaiting trial on 19 charges of rape and indecent assault…Did Corry bosses sack him?

No… They offered him a bumper £250K contract if he is cleared of all charges

To me it seems that there is one rule for one and one rule for the others. personally I think they have dropped a bollock, I do hope they have, I hate “soaps”, I would very like for this one to disappear down the plughole.


Butterflies everywhere!!!

I am now a Lepidopterist!

But I do not employ a net or a killing jar…Instead I use a camera…

Far better I think!

A Small Copper

I would really hate to kill one of these things…A Speckled WoodThey really do make me smile!

I don’t know if it is me but I seem to be able to see more variety of lepidoptera these days, when I was a kid it was whites, the occasional peacock and the odd Red Admiral and that was about your lot

Now I can confidently leave the house expecting to see more than a half dozen different types of butterfly on even the crappiestA Gatekeeper of days.

The trick is knowing where to look for them…and when!

Watching butterflies is a bit like bird-watching and a bit like fishing, it certainly beats sitting in the house or watching television.

Recently the Swords family took a drive out to the coast , where we immediately found out that our so-called killer dog Staffordshire Bull Terrier was afraid of the sea ( as well as rivers, bridges, feathers and most other dogs)

And so we found ourselves walking above the beach rather than on it. Up here on the scrub I was able to see two different Hawk Moths as well as a million whites and assorted reds ( I call Peacocks and such-likes reds)

A Skipper

Anyway that’s enough of my butterfly watching, I will have people thinking that I will be running around a grassy meadow with a big net next like some eccentric old vicar.







And so as Autumn approaches what plans do I have?


Well apart from the obvious, I would like to snag another double figure zander this season, it seems like a million years since I phones Matt Brown up to tell him that I had bagged myself a “My PB Zander...It seems so long ago!biggie”, I have already had a try but got completely eeled out but I shouldn’t complain as the eels The biggest I had last seasonwere nice and they did the right thing by me in that they had the decency to get themselves lip hooked.

Although the damage they did to the rigs wasThink I need a new rig! terminal!




I really do have to take my hat of to the humble eel when it come to fighting and making a mess they really do not have a pound-for-pound rival in my opinion.

I just hope that my carefully laid out rigs attract the attention of a few zander before Anguilla arrives on the scene!

I also want to get into the barbel before the river goes into chub mode, a big one would be nice…18lb…I will settle for 15 though :O)


2 Responses to “Lee Swords “August Fishing Blog”… part two”

  1. The only problem I have is that I’m a tad unsteady on my legs and have problems on the Trent bank.

    Alderfen has excellent banks which are not comprised of wooden platforms which I loath and which can turn slippery when wet.

    Please commercial fishery owners, get rid of those truly awful wooden platforms and make a nice grassy bank like they have at Alderfen.

    It’s a hell of a lot safer you know.

  2. Ron, those platforms are very good at holding fish. I often sit right back and fish down the front or edge of them.

    I agree Alderfen is a lot easier to fish with out them


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