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Kingfisher V


The Imperial Aftermath




Kingfisher picked up the torn and crumpled piece of parchment that had been flung at him; he began to read the notice, it was short and to the point, it simply stated that all restricted creatures must vacate the city walls within twenty four hours.

For all his bravado his heart sank “I don’t know what to say boys…The Emperor says you have rights and cannot be exploited anymore by people like me …You have to lay down your weapons and leave the City Walls within the day”

Gronk threw himself on the floor beating at the stone slabs with his open fists, it was a dramatic dying swan style maneuver more suited to a small child of around five years of age that had been told “no” by its mother. He was truly inconsolable. Snot poured out of his face like as a pale green torrent and was caught up in his hair and on his hands and eventually splattering the whole room in Troll mucous.

The two girls soothingly stroked the heartbroken Trolls hairy back like he was a pet dog (A mutated overgrown Hound of the Baskervilles type of pet dog but a pet dog none the less)

But nothing would sooth him, he sobbed uncontrollably, snot and tears dripping from his large rounded nose as flobber, slobber and all manner of slop poured from the corners of his mouth. It really was quite a pathetic sight to behold.

General Jahmedhi on the other hand was the polar opposite, he took the news very calmly he simply put his clawed hand gently on Kingfishers knee and said “Weez be fine blue geezer, no wurriz mate…Me cuzinz az bin working on an upgraded Mobile Orbz system like Innit…Me and Gronk az bin bankrolling itz networking company so dem orbs can be taken out mobile like innit”

“So you will be ok?”

“ Too damn right we will be ok, to be honest wiv yooz, weez not needed to do dis type of shit for a long time…Weez self made men…Weez got offerz from all the Druid Orb makers to use our new ring system”  The goblin reached into his pocket and extracted a small black sphere that looked to be made of glass, it was a communication orb “ Dis iz da future mate…Dis is da first generation, a truly Mobile Orb, a lightweight communications device….We only stayed wiv yooz  for da laugh, yooz knowz all da shitz and sniggaz wiv had over da yearz! And yooz more dan ennybodiz knowz dat I just love killin’ fingz an all dat stuff! I az killed a load of wankaz for yooz and loved every bit ov it but to be honest I dunt have to do dem fingz any more…I iz proper rich and Gronk iz pretty minted as well innit”

Kingfisher Talia and Sh’Vorn alike were astonished by what the little Goblin had said and even more astonished by the small black device he produced in the palm of his hand.

“Oh My God! That is just so small!” Squealed Talia

“ Aye…but dat iz all dat iz small about meez  like, cos apart from dis little baby orb everyfink else dat iz important about me is well over gunned and out of proportionz bitch!” the little goblin winked at Talia

“Does it work like a full sized communications Orb; does it connect to the Mystical Speaking Network just the same?”

“Too damned right it duz and yooz can also send text messages and play games and stuff if yooz iz ever bored like innit”

“Bloody hell…” said Kingfisher “Written commands instantly sent and received over a secure mobile network will revolutionise the battlefield”

“ Duz more dan dat…”


“Aye, too right kingly!”

“Like what?” Kingfisher was engrossed by the Goblins revelations

“If yooz iz horny yooz can text yooz bitchiz and tell dem to get dem phat asses over to dat throne room ov yooz for a proper royal  knobbin’ like…and the amount of surf-able porn based comestibles dat yooz can knock one out to when yooz goes onto the Lay Line Link is incredible!”

“Seriously?” said Kingfisher with a little glint in his eye

“Too damned diddly…the Lay-Line-Link is the future of hand held sexual relief like innit…In fact I should change itz address systemz from starting wiv  ”LLL” and finishing wiv” Dot Com” to starting wiv da  ”WWW”  and ending in da “Dot Cum”! Dis fing iz  da “World Wide Wank”…it iz revolutionary mate!”

“Oh…That is just gross…stop it now” said Sh’Vorn “Such a sorry waste of a technological advancement!”

“What yooz on about yooz snooty mare? I bet yooz will have a quick strum on yooz ukulele like!” Giggled the mischievous little Goblin

“You are quite obscene at times!” she replied

“Aye, dat I iz but dunt wurriz, itz me nature like innit” Jahmedhi winked at Talia “I will get yooz all a good deal on one like innit…” General Jahmedhi turned and looked Sh’Vorn in the eye “And I will get yooz one wiv da donkey porn and bukkake party spam filter on!” He turned back to Kingfisher “From now on weez Goblinz iz in da Mobile Communicationz bizniz, We iz da money behind the “Dragon Orb Warehouse”…all funky legit like!”

“Mobile Communication!?!” blurted Kingfisher, still shocked by the revelations he was hearing ” You two are Dragon Orb Warhouse?”

“Aye dat we iz mate, me and Gronk iz da majority share holderz like! Times iz changing, no more dragging boxe sov frikkin’ pigeons out in to da blood an gutz ov a warzone mate..dem day are over like innit! But datz not all weez Goblinz av got to diversify out interests so I iz finking dat our traditional Goblin Kebabza az got good bizniz potential az well like innit….Wiz all gotta eat even when weez on da Orb or even takin’ a shit like innit ”

“Well…I am lost for words mate”

“Like I said dunt sweat on dis retirement shit mate. Yooz got other wurriz now Kingly geezer. Yooz concentrate yooz mind on da Fjall, weez not quite yooman types will be ok!” Generals Jahmedhi and Gronk (Still sobbing) saluted Kingfisher and left the Gate House to return to their headquarters deep within Goblin Central where they broke the news to their kith and kin.

Soon after; all Eighty thousand Goblins and Trolls that had been garrisoned within the city walls were gone. The tents and shacks that had been Goblin Central were broken down and within but a few hours all that could be seen that gave evidence that there had ever been anything or anyone in that shady Quadrant of the Kingdom were a few empty packets of squirrel jerky, a favourite snack amongst the Goblin Horde.

Everything had disappeared.

Below ground, below the City Walls and into the depths of the mountain.

They liked it better that way after all.

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