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Kingfisher Chronicles II

Chapter Two

A Second Breakfast. Interrupted!


Tucked up on a bolster of deep fur and smooth thighs with his abundant blue braids tied back and out of harms way Kingfisher was now fully recovered, utterly refreshed and about to start on his second helpings of breakfast when the door to his chamber burst open without warning and in rushed two females, one dressed in a black lightweight Hugo Boss dress armour the other a long flowing gown of what looked to be black silk.

Kingfisher looked at his intruders with mouth open and spoon to his lips, he did not look at all happy, his day was about to be flushed down the pan, he knew this to be so because his intruders were Lady’s Sh’Vorn and Talia, the joint heads of Kingfishers Personal Guard and his most trusted of advisers.

For them to burst in without warning must mean that their intrusion is well warranted and so Kingfishers scowl soon softened to a face full of concern.

Talia and Sh’Vorn looked to be identical twins barring one difference Talia has waist length blood red hair tied into a long pony tail and is never seen without dress armour and Sh’Vorn has hair that is so black and reflective it looks like hot tar and she generally prefers to be seen in something a little more feminine.

Their paths had crossed with Kingfishers several years previous. They had caught his eye as both are exceptionally attractive and unnervingly intelligent, in fact they are pretty much drop dead do-able in a very unique almost life threatening kind of way.

They were and still are quite unlike any other females Kingfisher has ever come across; in fact Kingfisher really isn’t sure what they are. But he is certain that they are not the same type of animal as he is or anyone else he has ever met upon his travels and Kingfisher has certainly met some proper animals on his travels, of that there is no doubts!

The full account of how Kingfisher managed to recruit these two sisters, if that is in fact what they are  into his service and to join him in the  the Fjall is a tangled web of a story in itself and one that the great Spider of Life was truly proud of at the time of its telling as it captured many souls upon its silken threads,  this however is not the time to fully revisit that ornate trap but for the benefit of those interested, a vastly abridged adaptation would indeed serve well at this point.


Some Years Previously….


Kingfisher first came into contact with Talia and Sh’Vorn whilst on official Empire duties with several other members of the infamous and wildly reckless Dragon Clan, the sisters were employed in the serving of mead to the assortment of diplomats, politicians, emissaries and monarch’s that frequent the Ardarkian Republics Senate of Elders or as it more generally known The Halls of Politics.

Immediately upon entering the Halls of Politics Kingfisher was aware of them, the two new mead wenches stood out like fresh roses among a tangle of thorns, they were simply breathtaking. For even though mead wenches are as a rule attractive and well groomed with manners that would at first glance seem impeccable to even the most scrutinous eye; they can and often do become a little less than respectable once they come into possession of gold.

Gold is an inert metal by nature but when presented in gratitude to these females it soon becomes a rather caustic element that quickly strips away the veneer of respectability they hide their true nature beneath.

Many if not all of the mead wenches in the Halls of Politics make good livings by providing a more “hands on” service to the diplomats, it is said that a good mead wench is one that ensures that the mead horns that are used to quench thirsts, calm tempers and ratify agreements are kept full to brimming but once the pacts are signed and the ink is dry upon the scrolls the distinguished diplomats own horns are also well drained and kept empty for as long as they wish to keep the gold coming.

This however is not the time to go into too much detail on the morals of certain young ladies; this is a short section on how Talia and Sh’Vorn met Kingfisher and vice versa.

The Dragon Clan contingent were all dressed in full Dragon Scale armour and covered in soot; they had obviously been fighting as several sported minor cuts and scratches and a number of the lower ranking members were still in possession of their weapons, something that the actual Imperial Dragon Clan Emissaries were barred from doing as they would at some point enter the main Hall of Politics itself.

Tired and thirsty they were slumped rather untidily in a quiet corner, they had fought hard but lost another border skirmish against a larger enemy force, the bitter smell of sulphur and the occasional wisp of smoke rising from them formed a rather acrid fug that kept everyone else at a reasonable distance.

Kingfisher, who was at the time not a King  but a rather hopeless drunk and violently intemperate Dragon Clan military attaché was as per usual in a deep yet pointless conversation with the Imperial War Generals Morus, Draken Vestrit and Dar Kronin about the political merit of having mead horns that looked bigger but still held less in actual amount by volume as the mead horns used by the military attachés from all other Clans and Empires. “ Basically we will just get them shit faced and have them sign whatever we want” The Imperial War Generals nodded their approval to his theory but by and large its content went straight over their heads as they concentrated on getting more free mead down their own parched throats.

General Morus, a tall dark haired man of around forty winters drained what was left in the bottom of his mead horn with a sour faced grimace, although the mead was not to his tastes he wasn’t finished with his drinking and so he called the sisters over to him “Ladies, do either of you sweet girls by any chance have at your disposal a small barrel of Duvel Ale? As I must be honest in saying that the consumption of this liquor, however palatable to the tongue it may be, is still prepared from the fermented excretions and spit balls of a flying insect… and I have to be truthful in saying that it sets my stomach on edge”

The mead wenches smiled gracefully and spoke in unison “We will see what can be done to assist you in the slaking of your thirst Lord General Morus, Dragon Master”

Their voices so very perfect in pitch and intonation that all the Dragon Clanner,s immediately fell silent to listen to them, they were in thrall and willed the females to speak again.

They did not immediately speak again but before they turned to leave Talia approached the soot covered Kingfisher and signaled for him to kneel. She looked at his hair and seemed just as mesmerized by his long filthy blue plaits, braids and locks as he was with her blood red hair that hung like polished silk down to the very bottom of her back.

“Can I help you my lady?” He finally asked, the words came out with great difficulty for on his knees he found that he was looking directly into the girls eyes and the experience was most disconcerting.

“No, but I may be able to help you” and with that she poured a large measure of mead over his head.

The Dragon Clanner’s erupted in hysterical laughter, Kingfisher looked bemused at what she had done but before his consternation could transform into anger the girl reached over his shoulder and pulled free one of his locks, it was rather shorter than the rest and somewhat blackened.

“You were on fire my Lord kingfisher, or rather your hair was… If hair is indeed what this is, or should I say was” She smiled

Kingfisher quickly regained his composure “Indeed it was hair but alas now it seems to be beyond restoration” pulling away a small metallic clasp from the shortened lock he weighed it in the palm of his hand before presenting it to the girl “You have my thanks”

“You are most welcome”

“Indeed if the inferno had gone unchecked and spread further then who knows what damage could have occurred. I may have taken to my bed tonight only to smolder away like a half snuffed candle, waking up on the morrow to find that my wick  completely gone and my body entirely lacking in tallow”

The girl smiled as she looked the clasp “Platinum?”

“Possibly…either that or Mithril. A gift to me from the from the Dwarves of the Fjall and now a gift from me to you”

“But…the value of such a thing is too great”The girl moved as though to pass the ring back “I cannot accept…”

“But nothing…It is yours to keep” Kingfishers giant hand pressed the girls hand closed around the clasp and with that Kingfisher turned back to the company of his friends and attempted to make light of the fact that he had mead running down his face and a charred length of hair that looked like a blue cigar standing almost perpendicular to his head.

Talia, shocked by the open generosity of the gigantic blue haired monster of a man and turned to find her sister, very quickly they both returned with a small barrel of Duvel Ale that had been procured from the stores.

And that was the start of what has become a very firm friendship, Kingfisher found that he spent more and more time with the two sisters in the Halls of Politics and less and less of that time was spent in a drunken stupor.

Kingfisher enjoyed their company and they seemed to enjoy his but however hard he tried they would not move over to the Fjall and accept his offer of positions within the Royal Court until some months later Sh’Vorn had an altercation with an over affectionate diplomat that ended rather badly.

After that, the girls decided that they may have indeed overstayed their welcome within the Hall of Politics and would take the next available offer of employment for even though they could not be named as the killers, the victims tongue was missing (later to be found post mortem inside his own rectum), he had enough friends left alive to start a war if ever the truth were to come out.

Unbeknownst at the time to either Talia or Sh’Vorn Kingfisher had been witness to the harassment they had endured at the hands of the diplomat in question; not liking him to start with had made his decision far easier, the diplomat would die.

Kingfisher would assassinate him, it had been too long since he had done any real adventuring of this type and so he would do it the professional way…He would make the whole thing look natural.

And that is how Kingfisher found himself wedged within the service shaft of the diplomat’s room with a small vial of poison and yet for all his planning and good intentions he was too late, the girls had beaten him to it.

They on the other hand were going at this the old fashioned way and were making the diplomat suffer an ordeal that was as they say in the trade “Biblical”.

Kingfisher winced as he looked in on the most impressive use of a well kept blade he had seen in all his days and the ingenious application of medicinal herb to prevent Death from shortening the victim’s ordeal.

When they had finished and were quite satisfied with themselves the diplomat found that he was suspended in a web constructed from his own flayed skin and that by the ingenious use of mirrors he could see that his chest wall was completely opened up so that he could observe his still beating heart which the girls had partially removed and placed in full view.

The last thing the diplomat would see would be his own beating heart suspended upon a web of his own flesh and he could not close his eyes or look away for they had taken his eyelids along with the rest of his skin.

After seeing such a thing, Kingfisher did not need to know anymore about the two mead wenches, his mind was made up…He would make them an offer they could not refuse.

He knew there and then that these two females were not what they seemed to be and would be a great benefit to the Fjall which was now being run under his Kingship, better that than working for others.

The timing and weighting of his offer was perfect for all parties concerned.

And in the years that have passed since that fateful day he now knows enough about them to trust both with his life  but not quite sufficient to write  a somewhat meaningful passage about either one on the back of a penny gold stamp and not have any space left over.

I fact thinking about it, he would struggle to put quill to paper on the subject of what e believes them to be, they really are quite unusual females.


Back in the bedroom

 And back in the here and now Kingfisher finds himself in a compromising position.

 Talia and Sh’Vorn did not beat a hasty retreat from the room in shocked embarrassment, they had seen it all before and often rather more besides and so they did not blush and scatter as most females would in similar situation but simply cocked their heads slightly to the left and pursed their lips into curious little semi-smirks…

Raising a rather large blue eyebrow he looked at his intruders quizzically, the words “timing” and “shitty”  were running through his mind like a bull elephant on methamphetamine “Can you not see that I am a bit… busy?…it is breakfast time!!!…I am eating my cornflakes”

“Indeed you are busy my King and by the looks of it you are more than content to wallow in your current predicament for the foreseeable future but alas we come with grave news that cannot be held at bay!”

“Oh come on, for the love of all the Gods both old and young alive and dead! What type of utter queef ruins a perfectly good day like today with bad news?” groaned Kingfisher

Talia took a step forward, Kingfisher wasn’t sure if she was trying to get a better angle on the situation but whatever she had in mind it was probably quite racy.

Reaching under the furs she rummages around for a moment before pulling out what she was searching for, a perfectly pedicured pink foot with red toe polish. “Good morning Faye…I take it you are also enjoying your breakfast?”

The tall, almost disproportionately leggy ginger haired maid pushed the covers from over her head, “Good morning” She blushed a little. It seems she had been holding the bowl of cornflakes between her pale freckle covered thighs and spooning its contents into the mouth of her King…She was pretty much naked barring the long ginger tresses that hung freely over her body and a thin white cotton slip that almost but not quite kept her more than ample modesty intact.

Kingfisher felt his hunger disappear “Please leave us my dear if you wouldn’t mind as it seems that I have far less enjoyable yet more pressing engagements to attend to…”

Faye, the Royal Ablutionary and Breakfasting Maid smiled and said nothing…She had already washed and been eaten from once and was therefore truly radiant even without the luxury of giving seconds or even thirds.

Before she left the room Kingfisher had a second thought  “But… If at all possible could you possibly arrange a return later … for a late brunch… or maybe some afternoon tea perhaps…and bring those two cousins of yours, they make the most excellent chocolate shortbreads?” Added kingfisher

The young maiden smiled, curtsied and left the room by a side door.

Sh’Vorn’s icy stare followed her out, she had a very critical eye and it obviously did not approve of the Kings breakfast in bed arrangements with the staff.

Talia on the other hand followed her out with a very admiring eye; she obviously did approve and decided there and then that she would speak with her King later in the day about his arrangements, it was soon to be her day off and a girly “pamper day” never went amiss.

Kingfisher stood up and made his way over to his wardrobe for something to wear, his pale blue hair braids sprang loose as he walked and fell about his shoulders, each braid was about the thickness of a mans finger and looked at a distance to be a nest of serpents, and just like serpents they were prone to being bad tempered and behaving riotously in a morning.

The Kings hair was the butt of many jokes within the palace quarters, his bad hair days outnumbered the good by at least twenty to one and today was one of the worst. Grunting some curse or other to himself, he swept his tendrils back into some form of arrangement and retied them with a thin Mithril band returning his hair into something that was just about civilised rather than the collapsing crows nest that he had just been sporting .

Reaching for a day coat he covered his modesty but not before he stretched out his arms and yawned, his many scars plainly visible across his heavily muscled back and torso as he flexed the last remnants of sleep from his body.

Talia and Sh’Vorn had seen their King naked many times before, there was nothing on show to either embarrass or interest them and certainly nothing that they hadn’t seen before, in fact if there had been, Kingfisher was quite sure that they would have pulled out their hand held muskets and shot it.

He took the bundle of scrolls from Sh’Vorn and went over to a large wooden bench table that sat close to the window. He picked up the Book of Oz that was sitting there open and placed it back on the bookshelf.

“Is that the Book of Ozlam?” queried Talia

“Indeed it is…Have you read this crap? These people have a serious problem with living”

“Indeed, they do seem intent to live life in as meager a way as possible” Replied Talia

“We should not judge them too harshly. Life can seem to be callous in the weaving of its web, it is simply that the Ozlems lack the fortitude to face life as individuals and instead choose to amalgamate into a single entity”

“But why?” asked kingfisher “Why would anyone wish to forsake their own individuality?

“On the weight of living the afterlife in paradise”

“Paradise?  Paradise you say? I have read this book from cover to cover and I tell you now that I do not call a bedroom full of virgins and a diet that is nothing but three bowls of warm fermented milk with a few measly nuts and a short squirt of honey …Paradise!…Paradise they say? By the end of the week I would be shitting through the eye of a needle and sick to death of having my bed furs matted up with tears from an assortment of whimpering girls that do nothing but whine and worry about what will happen if their friends find out. By all that is Holy!  I would be praying for reincarnation after a month!”

Sh’Vorn and Talia laughed at the impropriety of their Kings politically incorrect outburst. Sh’Vorn threw her King a cord for his robe, for even though he wasn’t quite naked the cut of his cloth did little to cover him or more significantly it up and “it”, it seems has a life of its own and wants to join in with the reading of the scrolls.

Kingfisher moved over to a large and heavy set table that looked like it would be more at home in a butchers shop covered in large and bloody chunks of flesh rather than a  Kings bedroom, the surface of the table was smooth from frequent use but unvarnished and looked to have seen better days. However it had to be recognised that due to its generous proportions and skilled construction the table was built to see out the life of the average human and would without doubt serve several monarchs before it was rendered down into kindling for the kitchens.

Talia and Sh’Vorn took their seats opposite, Kingfisher scowled as he broke the seals on the heavy parchment scrolls. Unrolling them with all the enthusiasm he would show to drinking a freshly served flagon of toads piss ( if in fact toads piss they may for all Kingfisher know simply exude a miasma of rank urine from their warty skins)

Finally when he had all the scrolls laid out before him he began to read…His heart sank; this was all just an absolute “bag of toss” he thought to himself.

The last time he had seen such a desecration of good paper was shortly after he had eaten at a rather disreputable Thailanese noodle bar and was about to flush it away.

A page full of long words and the strangely convoluted terms of Imperial law, a legally binding contract that was as simple to understand as advanced alchemy. Each contractual section was separated into dozens of sub-clauses which looked to have been written by somebody whose sole object in life was the terminal perplexing of others. Line after line after miserable brain numbing line…The whole contract was nothing more than gibberish dressed up as gobbledygook.

The reading of one single sentence sent Kingfishers mind into melt down.

Sh’Vorn looked on with a passive expression, she had already gone though the contract (even though it was upside down) by the time her king looked up to her for help, his face was like a stupid lap dog that had done its toilet in the corner of the room and was now expecting a slap across the face and a nose full of warm turds.

Her mind was already working on the solutions to these new and now very real problems. She casually swept her black hair behind her ears as she prepared to break down the contract into its component parts so that she could more easily highlight the problems they would face on a step by step basis.

Kingfisher’s eyes were drawn to the sudden movement of Sh’Vorn’s hand, like a cat would be drawn to the scurrying of a small mouse; something was strange about Sh’Vorn’s ears. They were certainly not the run of the mill lug holes sported by the majority of “human” people that Kingfisher associated himself with.

As we have already discussed Talia and Sh’Vorn looked almost identical (barring their hair colour) but there were certain little nuances to their features that set them apart from each other. Kingfisher had always taken it for granted that they were identical sisters, when in fact for all he knew of them they may not even be related at all. They had never claimed to be related a far as he knew, Kingfisher wasn’t even sure where they came from at the end of the day…Or if they were even human.

There was definitely something about them that looked like they had more than a hint of Elf in them. Maybe that was it, maybe Talia and Sh’Vorn were of the Elder races or they had a bit of the Eldar races in them.

Talia moved her hand in the general direction of her King face as though she was waiving a flag of sorts “King, your thoughts are wandering away from the task at hand, in fact if I had to describe them to you at this point I would say they were storming round your head like a bull in a china shop!” Talia giggled hysterically “Luckily, at this moment in time there is not much in stock that the beast could possibly damage” Talia, as Kingfisher had found out several years previous had limited powers of telepathy which she seldom used but on certain occasions the sheer magnitude of a persons thoughts were of such a monumental volume or consisted of such unique rubbish that she could not help but fail to filter them out and therefore was forced to act upon them just as one would ask a noisy neighbor to desist from playing the violin at 3.30 am .

“Eh…? You what…? China shop?” Kingfisher did not always understand some of the sayings that the girls used and this one in particular did not translate at all well into his native tongue. What was the bull doing in the china shop? And why was it trying to carve out a career in the crockery and fine dinnerware trade, when as everyone knew, hooves were simply not made for the arranging of plates, cups and saucers into four piece dinner settings. When it came to dinner settings, bulls were far more suited to the restaurant trade, sizzling on plates, in nice little twelve ounce portions with accompanying side orders of sweet potato wedges and salad.

“I was drawn to what you were thinking my King…Her ears! For all her grace she has had more than a hint of Elf…And not just in her ears!” Talia giggled uncontrollably and made several obscene gestures towards Sh’Vorn and then towards kingfisher.

Kingfisher bellowed at the joke…. “You read my mind again!”

“There wasn’t much to read if I am honest” Smirked the red haired female

Kingfisher pulled at his ears making them look more Elfish “I am Sh’Vorn of Loflinfindril…I am Queen of the Elves”

Talia fell off of her chair and landed on the floor in a giggling heap

Sh’Vorn looked at her King with barely contained disdain, sometimes she wondered how things worked out as they did, the Fates were strange and fickle things, she was not at all amused by their meanderings into the realms of the ridiculous and although she loved her King dearly and would die for him in a single beat of her heart, Sometimes she thought he was a proper silly twat and wished he would take the time and effort to grow up and become a more functional adult human being rather than this near forty year old, seven feet tall blue haired caricature of a teenager .

Kingfisher knew when he had overstepped the mark and quickly regained his composure and put on his most serious face “Sh’Vorn…Do you have any ideas about what we could do?”

Sh’Vorn looked on completely un-phased and gave what was without doubt the most totally condescending smile that had ever been mustered in Dvorganna Fjall in near on three centuries, she reached over the table and spun the scrolls around before she continued “Sire, it says here that under sub clause 1 section 37a within The Policy for the safe keeping of semi-mythical creatures including Trolls, Orcs and Goblins, that there will be an independent review carried out by an intradepartmental committee in regards to their physical, emotional and cultural safe keeping within a mainstream human environment”

“They love their committees don’t they?” sneered Kingfisher

Sh’Vorn continued “And therefore that being the case there is to be an immediate and indefinite suspension to the granting of the “Section 30” license that allows the keeping of and ultimately controls the numbers and types of species of creatures that are recognised as hazardous to health. Sub clause 2 of section 37a which also includes the sections relevant to Trolls and Goblins within the general workforce has also been amended”

“It has?” kingfisher asked totally nonplussed as to the relevance of any of this to him yet “Well bugger me…I never even knew there was a Section 30 license!”

Sh’Vorn continued “Well actually you are “buggered” because if you read clause 1a of sub sections 16 through to 19c there are several reference to The Trans Species Racism Act of 1756 and therefore it has been decided that there will be an amendment to the Human Rights Bill of 1327

“They are going to include Trolls and such likes in The Human Rights Bill?” gasped kingfisher, the gravity of the document finally hitting him.

“Yes, that’s right”

“But they aren’t human and wouldn’t thank you for calling them such”

“Well it seems that a number of politically active groups containing a number of high powered Archbishops and numerous liberal lawyers have somehow managed to persuade the Emperor to make it a criminal offence for us to continue keeping or even employing certain…How do they phrase it? Ah yes, “Sub species of or other similar yet unrelated parallel evolved humanoids including all sentient creatures of a magical nature

“Sub species of or parallel evolved humanoids? Sub species?” Mumbled Kingfisher as he rubbed his forehead…

“Goblins, Orcs and Trolls for the most part but Dragons, Griffons and other suchlike creatures also seem to be included within the grey area of this treaty” replied Sh’Vorn

“Why don’t they just say that then instead of talking out of their nether regions all the time?” Grunted the blue haired monarch

“Legally one has to use the correct and universally accepted legalese terminology Sire” replied Sh’Vorn

Kingfisher looked totally and utterly blank, in fact his rugged countenance had all the character of a newly plastered wall that had been freshly painted the new “in colour” for the practical and easy to clean dungeon of today, which is for anyone interested such things “Egyptian linen” a colour that is in fact nothing more than plain white mixed with a hint of shit.

“Did you understand all of that?” asked Talia

Kingfisher pushed out his bottom lip until it would go no further and breathed out (quite loudly) through his nose, he thought this may give the impression that he was weighing up his options when in fact all he was doing was simply pulling a funny face and making a rather impolite noise hoping that his brain would take the hint and fire up a little and in the process warm the far reaches of his skull with the outside possibility of come up with a half decent plan.

The heavy iron cogs within his brain slowly began to defy their natural inertia and started turning, slowly they began before gaining speed and momentum …Then they stopped…Kingfisher stopped them himself, he really didn’t like his cogs doing a great deal at this time of day as the whole process tended to cost him way too much in gold. The last time he had a fantastic idea before eleven in the morning it had an asking price of well over three hundred million golden shekels and thirty seven pounds of assorted roughly hewn gemstones.

It wasn’t money wasted however, he did have the finest lighthouse on the entire Eastern coast of Ardarkis and a Royal Library second to none but that didn’t alter the fact that both projects went a shade over budget and he ended up so skint that he couldn’t take the Royal Court out for a whole month afterwards, not even to the midget racing.

Not that he begrudged having to occasional idea but one doesn’t have trusted advisers and then not ask their advice.

Talia fidgeted in her seat and nipped at the calf skin thong she was wearing, it certainly wasn’t as comfortable as it looked and would in most likelihood have to be relegated to the type of underwear that is only worn with the sole purpose of being removed as soon as possible.

Talia enjoyed the finer things in life and loved nothing more than a girly pamper day where she could go out shopping and blow a whole months worth of gold in one go, usually on things that served only to please the eye and this thong certainly fell in to that category. She was however a shade disappointed that it was proving totally impractical having only purchased it the day previous from the new Lingerie store called “The Kitty Fitter” that had opened on the high street.

Her mind wandered as she recollected the fine array of exquisite lacy items and luxurious leather under garments it held in stock. She had squealed with delight, there was everything a girl could ever need in sizes from double zero to ninety nine point five!

Being well known for her love of shopping she received many invitations to the openings of boutiques and beauticians because it was to be expected that she would lose control and spend so much gold that the shop owners need not worry about paying their business rates for almost the whole first year of  trading.

The Kitty Fitter had however hit the mother-load when Talia visited, so much so that the assistant thought that Talia was having a climactic episode, right there and then in the middle of the store!

The head store assistant seeing the possibility of such a big sale being lost to a sudden failure of female poise took control of the situation before it spiraled out of control and checked the items through whilst giving Talia the use of a private room stocked with a fine array of pillows and soft furnishings where she could refresh herself with various drinks of an alcoholic nature or for the more restrained sip upon numerous herbal teas and enjoy a nice muffin.

Talia loved a good muffin and so she took the shop girl up on the offer of the private room on the understanding that all the assistants, herself included would join her in the “pink room” once she had finished checking her items through the till.

What happened in the pink room is however a different story but what can be said is that Talia finally left the Kitty Fitter some five hours later with fourteen bags of assorted “smalls”.

In her wake she left six store clerks and a Pizza delivery Elf ( after all a girl cannot live on muffins alone) looking rather sheepish with each other, each and everyone of them claiming that they had never done anything like that before and that what had just occurred should remain a total secret.

The fun and games of shopping aside, however sexy and feminine the thong looked on the bloody hanger it was proving to be a real nasty item to wear and seemed intent on doing nothing more than cutting her in two. Splitting her difference so to speak!

The irritation was almost unbearable; the item that looked so soft on the hanger now seemed to be constructed from nothing more than various types of hacksaw blades! This damned thing wasn’t made to be worn under armour…In fact it wasn’t meant to be worn full stop!  The bloody thing was meant to be swizzled on ones index finger whilst lolling suggestively on the snout of a Dragon whilst looking at ones lover with that glinting look in your eyes that says “You are going to get some proper tonking tonight big boy!”(Or girl depending on how the mood takes her)

The King and Talia both spoke in unison…“So what does all that mean then?”

Sh’Vorn looked at them with an air of pity “Did you hear any of what I said?”

Kingfisher maintained his protruding lip pose as long as he could before finally answering “I heard…I simply did not understand”

Talia shrugged in agreement…She didn’t really understand the statement either but was loath to appear totally dumb, politics wasn’t her strong point.

“The Trolls and Goblins have got to go” Sh’Vorn smiled as she repeated part of what she had just said very slowly for the benefit of her King   “ Got…To…Go…”

“Got to go? The Trolls and Goblins have got to go? Go where? They live here with me! No, that isn’t right…No…That’s not right at all” Kingfisher snapped; his heart began to beat very fast as his throat closed up. Standing up he walked over to the widow, looking out to the green pastures he avoided the looks of both Talia and Sh’Vorn. He was clearly moved by the news, he had been expecting something like this for a while but the reality was different.

“That isn’t all, my King” added Sh’Vorn

Kingfisher continued to look out the window, he could not turn round just yet as  he did not want them to see him at his most vulnerable, this however was simply too much to take …Too much for anyone. He sniffed as thin wet snot ran down his nose and mixed with his tears.

“And…”Continued Sh’Vorn

“And!…And what…What else is there hidden within the small print of those scrolls…What other little gems are there? More ridiculous rules made by a  conglomeration of half-witted morons, rules they have constructed with the sole purpose of making my life miserable?” snapped Kingfisher, his back still turned to the room; he wiped his face on the back of his arm.

“And…” Sh’Vorn continued “We should expect the Imperial Auditors arrival sometime later this week…He will be checking on our implementation of the pro-active re-employment measures included within the section Creatures In The Community New Labour Incentives ” Sh’Vorn finished , she remained quiet to allow kingfisher to compose himself

“Auditor! What the bloody hell do I want with an Imperial Auditor? The Emperor in his wisdom has made these rulings does he think that I would be so pig-headed as to ignore them and carry on regardless?” Snapped Kingfisher

“Obviously he does and that is why he has dispatched an Imperial Auditor charged with the duties of ensuring total compliance with Imperial Law!” Said Sh’Vorn with a steely edge to her voice

“That is simply taking the piss”

“I agree my King, it is also my opinion that the Emperor has gone too far this time, too far by half, this type of wildfire legislation cannot be permitted to continue…”

“Gone too far? The stupid old fool has gone too far by a country mile” growled kingfisher “He says he is a man of the people and lives only to serve but dispatching an Auditor is simply unheard of, each Feudal Range and Sovereign Country was supposedly guaranteed some form of autonomy when our forefathers ratified the Imperial Pact. A collection of like-minded Countries that simply sought to abridge the complications of individualism and duplicated controls. I would say that this Imperial experiment has gone too far, it is time for this conglomeration of power to be rendered back down to its component nations before the idiosyncrasies of our ruler tears the world apart and sets into motion a war that will end all civilization for a thousand years”

“Unfortunately Sire these people do not see the Empire as an ill fitting jig-saw made up of vastly differing groups of individuals, they judge everyone as equal and make no exception for the difference in cultural or ethnic requirements…To Our Emperor we are all his subjects to control as he wishes. He knows no better as he comes from a long bloodline of aristocrats, his father Count Satur Von Hapsburg was First Adviser to two Emperors and his father before him was Imperial Chancellor”

“I can see that he is hampered by inbreeding, what I cannot fathom is how it was that his ancestors gained the authority that has cascaded down through the ages and gifted him the power that he wields over us all today? What powers we have out here on the edge of the world we gather up and preserve ourselves? You say that he sees no differences among the Empire? Indeed…I would wager a pound of gold against a brass penny that the first man of his bloodline sired his wretched offspring before he had fully amassed all the letters of his title for I believe that he was missing the “o” because the progenitor of our current Emperor must have been one proper nasty little inbred Cun…”

At that point Sh’Vorn interjected  “You may well have a point there my King and I am sure that the Auditor will be little more than the “Counts bitch” but that does not alter the fact that we have much to arrange before this Imperial tick arrives and attaches itself  without buy nor leave and begins to suck the very life blood from our Kingdom” Sh’Vorn pursed her lips and did the expression that all females seem to have mastered, the one they use when they have stepped in something that the Dragon has left behind whilst wearing their brand new Choo’s.

“Aye…It is too much…The Emperors gone way too far!  But to make things worse he has surrounded himself with limp-wristed Bishops that would rather lift the cloth than be of it and if a hundred boy loving Bishops that have nothing more than choristers on their minds isn’t bad enough he has had his legal buffoons ring fence the whole sordid mess in miles upon miles of red tape that is far more cumbersome than any barbed wire that I have ever encountered ” Kingfisher slammed his fist on the heavy stone window sill “What am I to tell General Jahmedhi…His Goblin Horde has been with me ever since the days of the Roll Back War with the Griffon Clan ….And what of General Gronk? I have had him at my side come thick or thin through blood, sweat, tears and shit since he was little more than a granite chipping, never mind the fully grown Mountain Troll he is now! He can never be returned to the wild. Can we do nothing?Will we have to comply?”

“I am afraid so…The only other option would be to declare war against the Empire and that would be an act of suicidal futility” Sh’Vorn looked stern “This will effect how we defend, attack, war and raid”

Kingfisher stared out of the window ( He was now pulling that other stock-in-trade serious face, you know the one…The one where you push your top lip out and try to touch your nose with it)

Down at the City Gates he saw something that made his heart sink even deeper into the mire, a convoy of carriages bearing the emblem of the Emperor were at that moment being waved through by the City Guard “Sh’Vorn…When did it say the Auditor of Imperial Compliance would be arriving?”

“Sometime this week my King” she replied “We should at least have a little time to prepare”

“The clock has stopped, times up, the useless arse is here now” Kingfisher snapped.

3 Responses to “Kingfisher Chronicles II”

  1. [...] http://www.leeswordsfishing.co.uk/kingfisher-chronicles-ii/ [...]

  2. He has been to see t’Hobbit

  3. :O)

    Not yet Ron!

    Some of this stuff is years old and come from my war-gaming years

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