Lee Swords Fishing

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December fishing blog without the fishing …I just fancy writing something…part two

Dreadful December!

I don’t like December, I never have done never and I never will do…

Ok, I accept that the Christmas part  is nice but the rest of it is just plain shitty, its not quite cold enough its not quite dry enough, its bloody expensive and I have to work a lot, which means I cannot get out fishing half as much as I would like to!

This week I have done about 60 hours which isn’t too bad for a young chef but for me, it is a killer, I am starting to creak like an old wooden warship, yeah, at a distance I look impressive and can deliver a decent broadside when needs be but up close the paint is peeling and my timbers are starting to crack, I fear it won’t be long before I see Davy Jones locker. Cooking is a young mans game.in the day

There is no way that I will be able to carry on in the job I am doing till I am 68-70 as my body will be wrecked, therefore I better start making contingency plans so that I don’t take my family to the poor house and end up destitute, begging for scraps of food outside Subway and selling my arse for cheap vodka…

But what to do?

I am far too old to become a male escort not that Tina would let me and I fear that if I were to become a life model at the University Art School ( a job that does pay quite well) I am concerned that I may cause irreparable damage to some young and impressionable souls that have never seen a “silver backed” alpha  male in all his naked glory.

Long gone are the days when I strode out of the clear blue Aegean Sea like a very xenophobic looking James Bond, no, now I look more like the beast from the bottom of the sea…The last time I was in Filey I decided that I would go and get some doughnuts from the beach-side cafe andPosing for "food money" as I left the beach in my long Bermuda shorts I swear I saw two young girls actually start to cry.

I suppose I could stack shelves at ASDA or MORRISONS but I fear that my mind would fester with the monotony…

Who knows what the future may bring, I may stand in the local elections as a Councillor, that would be fun I am sure and I am certain that I could do a far better job than the current batch of incompetent fuckwits that purport to run Sheffield.



Four Generation Incest Cult found in Australia


Children of horrifying incest ‘cult’ with four generations of in-breeding found living deformed, filthy and mute in scenic valley

  • Case in New South Wales, Australia, described as one of worst in history
  • Brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts had sex with each other for decades
  • Children were severely disabled with one girl, nine, unable to read or talk
  • She was unable to bathe herself and did not know what toilet paper was

All this genetic damage done in just four generations…just imagine the damage that inbreeding for 1400 years would do….Not pointing any fingers like, you know…At any group of people in particular. Allah Akbar.


Match Fixing in English Football…

Ban the lot and jail the bastards for five years…Oh, yeah and seize their assets and deport anyone of them that wasn’t born in the UK…Cheating scum!

Football on a Saturday is an English institution that goes back further than anywhere else on the planet regardless of the fact that we are now shit at the game and consider a 1-1 draw with the M’fasso Djillili Bookari Presidents 11 a good result regardless of the fact that there are only 37 people in the whole country and their milkman is playing in three positions as well as being the first team coach and his donkey doubling up as the first team transport to the stadium ( three mud huts made out of twigs and cow shit).

So what has gone wrong?

In my opinion it all boils down to one thing…MONEY.

Money has fucked football up and taken it to a place where it was never intended to go, football is honest entertainment, it is the perfect analogy of warfare, one tribe versus another with the crowds “pride” dependent on the outcome.

You think I am talking bollocks?

Take two Scots men to the other side of the world and dump them in a bar..they are both Scottish…Lets have a drink…They are both Glaswegian…lets have a drink…one Celtic one Rangers.

Fuck you Jimmy.

The same goes with all the big rivalries, Wednesday/United, Spurs/Arsenal Man United/ Liverpool…

But that isn’t my point, these rivalries are simply a reflection of the passion involved in football and that is why it stings like a three foot anal fissure when we find out the players are not giving it their all and are dealing from the bottom of a dodgy deck.

Recently we have seen the arrest of several players on charges related to the fixing of games and one of them was a former Sheffield Wednesday player…Akpo Sodje…A player that would get booked or sent off for money.

More money than I earn in a year, just so some fucking piece of shit sitting in an illegal betting office somewhere in Asia can make some cash. These “fixers” pollute everything they touch, football, cricket, horse racing.

They should be taken out and shot and the players involved banned for life and have their assets stripped so that they have to return to the real world and get a real job that involves working for a living where the cost of taking a couple of kids to the game on Saturday is a big chunk of a blokes free money.

Footballers live on a different planet, they have wealth beyond reckoning, it is time they were given a shock and that would be done if those players  found guilty of match fixing were given a completely outlandish punishment that would serve as an example forever.

More action needed to save green spaces!


below is a short excerpt from Ian’s Blog…it makes for uncomfortable reading at times!

The Bowden Housteads Wood site clearly marked as a site of Scientific Interest and within a Green Corridor – but no matter, there will a green roof – so that’s OK then.

Sandra Sykes and Lee Swords both emailed me with concerns about proposals for the Green Belt ancient woodland of Bowden Housteads at Handsworth, which include a Fire Station within the ancient woodland boundary in an area designated as a local Site of Scientific Interest (ANHI) in the 1991 Sheffield Nature Conservation Strategy. The environmental impact assessment for the proposal omits this and the associated polices and commitments. Apparently, all will be well because the buildings will have a ‘green roof’! This Local Nature Reserve is a showcase site developed for local people and wildlife under the emerging South Yorkshire Community Forest in the 1990s, yet they too feel unable to comment in support of the wood. This is all madness and somebody somewhere needs to get a grip. Sandra asks ‘Do they really think they can have squatter rights in Bowden Houstead Wood when the land is dedicated to nature? I remember the majestic woodland prior to the Parkway, and my cousin and her friends used to play there. With regard to the felling of trees in Sheffield, especially at Meadowhead, it is stated that they will plant replacements. How can a sapling replace a mature tree?’ I agree wholeheartedly with these sentiments. The problem I have at the minute is which awful situation to deal with first. With City Council owning this site and therefore standing to make a lot of money from the sale of the land, as the Planning Authority, they appear to be in a position of gamekeeper turned poacher.

I still need signatures on my petition so please follow the link and make your mark…



TV Psychic in car crash

(He didn’t see that coming did he!)

Derek Johnson, widely known as Derek Acorah, was driving a Nissan GT that was in collision with a Ford Ka in Southport, on Saturday.

The 52-year-old Ka driver and her passenger, a man aged 21, were taken to hospital with “whiplash-type” injuries.

You would have thought that as a psychic of high repute he would have seen something coming…yeah right!!

I have very little time for these so-called celebrity psychic types, not that I doubt the strangeness of the world and its propensity for producing the unexplained but these paranormal snake oil salesmen make me puke. They prey on the vulnerable giving them hope of their lost ones.

“Do we have anyone in the audience who knows a man called Dave, Dan, Derrick ..?”

Get fucked right off and when you have got fucked off, fuck off a bit further!


 The challenge of the Koran and its 40 rhetorical devices

I was watching a video on Facebook the other day and in this video a very over zealous young Muslim tries to go head to head with a Sikh chap with a little bit of a religious war of words.

He failed miserably, the Sikh beat him hands down on all fronts, his intellect and humility showed the young Muslim  chap up for what he was, a brainwashed idiot that had spent too much time in the presence of the village idiots that get shipped into the UK to indoctrinate intellectually susceptible young people into a cult that should be consigned to history as it has no place in the modern world.

All the Islam-atron was left with was the fact that the Koran is written in such a way as to be beyond the capabilities of mankind to have written therefore it has to be the word of Allah. He stated that the three shortest verses of the Koran are only ten words long and withing these ten words there are 40 rhetorical devices, he said that no human could ever convey this type of information in such an economical use of language.

Well that has to be worth a shot I thought, I enjoy a bit of wordplay and poetry so I thought I would try my hand at being an anti-prophet for a few minutes…10 words…40 rhetorical devices.

Here is my attempt… 

Murderous malicious misogynists

deceitful defective despised

carrying nothing of worth


A plague within  humanity

to history consigned

A passing unmourned


You fuck goats

You fuck as one

You are goats

Well, I think that my attempt at writing in the style of the Koran proves that it can be done… but even if it can be argued that it is impossible to emulate the actual Koran, is that such a bad thing as the parts that I am familiar with prove beyond all doubt in my mind that it is a  ” divisive documentation…written in blood…a carcinogen upon the soul…

Fucking hell, there I go again…

Bollocks to it…I am going to become a Sikh!


China dismisses UK as an old European country

The global Times of Beijing had an editorial in it recently that read “”The Cameron administration should acknowledge that the UK is not a big power in the eyes of the Chinese. It is just an old European country apt for travel and study. This has gradually become the habitual thought of the Chinese people.”

In response The Lee Swords Fishing. co .uk website would like to put on the record that most of the rest of the world look on the Chinese as a cold hearted race of people that lack any form of empathy to their fellow man, furthermore we also think that they are a bunch of sick little “tiger dick eating” puppies, bear bile swilling perverts with extremely small cocks that require specially produced condoms because the ones used designed and made in the in the West fall off mid coitus.tigerdick

China may think it is Billy Big Bollocks but it cannot even grow enough food to feed its population,  instead requiring massive imports of meat and grain without which it would be fucked, China has a large chunk of its population mired in absolute poverty, China is a perfect example of the book “Animal Farm”

Now don’t get me wrong, I like a lot of oriental people but they are mostly Thai, Singaporean or Hong Kong raised, they work hard, play hard and are great people to be around but personally, I won’t be buying any Mainland Chinese products any time soon…

Made in China

” Get fucked”

If you would also like to sign a petition to ban the Chinese practice of cooking of live animals ( dogs)  follow the link below



I like a bit of “Ripper Street”…

You what? the BBC are cancelling it?

Well that is absolutely fucking typical of the BBC …They come up with a fantastically gripping series and then decide to cancel it after two series just because some fuckwits with and IQ of about 23 decide that they would rather watch I Am A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here on the other side…

That is no reason to cancel a perfectly good show!ripper street

If you follow that logic to its conclusion all we will have on the television will be X-Factor clones , Strictly come dancing/Dancing on ice/Dancing on shit or even dancing in entrails…

What are we expected to watch?

Jezza Kyle? Graham Norton?

Seriously, I would rather eat my own face than watch 75% of what is on the television at the moment…I mean come on, when there are programs on the box like “Here comes Honey Boo-Boo” and “Keeping up with the Kardashians” is it any wonder our kids are turning out to be a load of brain dead morons?

And it seems that I am not alone…below is a petition to the BBC to ask that they rethink their decision…I hope the petition succeeds but I cannot help but be a little jealous of the numbers…


I only wish that my petition to save Bowden Houstead Woods could gather one tenth of the amount of interest that the Ripper Street petition has gained…but then again I don’t begrudge those that have signed it ( I have signed it) the future of good old fashioned British drama depends on it!

We owe it to ourselves to thwart the dumbing down of television whenever we can and this particularly goes for the Simon Cowell Christmas number one reward for the winner of X Factor…foook that!

I am going with the AC/DC Highway to Hell download and not just because it is my funeral song ( REM as the people are going in and then AC/DC when the curtain comes down)




Oh yeah…Nelson Mandela has died

Err…If one fuck was ever given on my part I have no idea where I placed it. I did not mourn his passing just as I will not mourn Adams and McGuiness when they roll of this mortal coil.

Most people would be disgusted at my ambivalence to this so called icon of his age passing away but in my book when you set out to kill women and children to make a political point you step over a line and no amount of success in later life will ever balance that evil, hence the reason I don’t give a fuck that Nelson Mandela has finally been allowed to die. Nope any ”fuck” that would be given on my part in regards to Nelson Mandela  being allowed to balance his account would require the use of the Large Hadron Collider to find and even then it would go “poof” and blink out of existence almost instantaneously, my interest in this matter is so small it  makes the Higg’s Boson look like the Empire States Building.

I am just glad he is gone.

4 Responses to “December fishing blog without the fishing …I just fancy writing something…part two”

  1. Corrupt footballers…? Former Wednesday player Akpo Sodje, Whatever next? Oh hang on a minute, as a Wednesday fan haven’t you forgotten something?

    That was it, two Wednesday first teamers jailed for corruption, betting their own team would lose. Wouldn’t get very good odds on that right now, mind.

    By ‘ek lad, imagine it, Sheffield Wednesday, so far ahead of their time! ;-)


  2. I remember my dad talking about Swanny… A bit before my time though :O)

  3. hiya matey when you chubbing next and will it be on the mince

  4. God knows when I will be back on the Trent…work is mental at the moment…but yes Steak and mince with blood gloop it will be

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